


To See To It That I Do Not Lose You

by madmadeleine



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Dean has the self-esteem of a potato, M/M, but Cas loves him anyway
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-04-29
Updated: 2013-04-29
Packaged: 2017-12-09 21:08:39
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,020
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/778004
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/madmadeleine/pseuds/madmadeleine
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Castiel wants to talk about Dean.</p>
            </blockquote>





	To See To It That I Do Not Lose You

For someone who wholeheartedly hates chick flick moments, Dean Winchester sure seems to get himself thrown into them a lot.

At least, that’s what he’s thinking to himself as he stands in a motel parking lot, alone but for the angel staring at him. _Here comes another long talk about my deep inner pain_ , he thinks to himself, and says to Cas, “There’s ice cream inside if you want to, y’know, cry into it during this girl-fest we’re about to have.”

Cas blinks once and shakes his head slightly.  “No, I’m fine, Dean. Thank you for offering.”

Dean hops up onto the Impala’s hood and pats a spot beside him. “We might as well get comfortable. Now what exactly did you want to talk about?”

“You, Dean.”

Dean’s heart instantly turns to ice, his face to stone. “What’s there to talk about?”

“It has come to my attention that you have certain … feelings for me that are even beyond the scope of the more profound bond that we share. Feelings of a sexual nature. I have grown to reciprocate, and would like to act on these feelings in the traditional human nature.” Cas moves towards him, equal parts awkward and aggressive.

“Whoa. Cas. Back up. We can’t do this.” His lips are an inch away from the angel’s, their breaths mingling in a small space that seems endless.

“I’m an Angel of the Lord, Dean. I’m not a child, nor are you. We are both consenting adults, and we both want this. Don’t run away because of your inferiority complex.”

Dean ignores that last bit with heroic self-control. “That’s the thing, Cas. What about Jimmy? Isn’t he still in there? You would be using his body for…” he trailed off, stammering, “you know. He can’t say yes or no, right?”

Cas steps back and tilts his head in a gesture that Dean is intimately familiar with. “Jimmy Novak is dead. At least, his soul has left his body; obviously the vessel still remains.”

“You’re telling me you killed some poor bastard just so you could be with me?” Disgust fills Dean’s features. “You’re no better than a demon, tearing him away from his life and family and then riding him so hard that his fucking soul gives out.”

“Dean, that’s… that’s not how it was.” Cas becomes flustered, suddenly confused and unsure. Dean sees it and doesn’t give an inch.

“Oh? How was it, then?”

“Think about what Jimmy’s body and Jimmy himself has been through, Dean! Countless fights with angels and archangels, Leviathan possession, multiple trips to Hell and back to rescue you and your brother’s sorry souls, torture in Heaven, Purgatory, and the absorption of over fifty thousand other souls. Could you survive that?”

“How the hell did you expect Jimmy to?” Dean is suddenly and violently angry for the man who will never see his wife and daughter again, who gave everything to an angel who took his life and turned it to ash. Dean can’t violate his body like that, can’t put one more nail in the coffin.

“Jimmy Novak gave his consent, Dean. He knew what the risks were when he consented to be my vessel!”

“I don’t think he quite anticipated being God’s vessel! Oh wait, you weren’t God, so you put an incredible strain on him and probably killed him!”

“And why do you think I did that, Dean?”

“For yourself, Cas! Because you wanted the power and the glory and the awe and the respect and your broken, vengeance-fueled justice! You sure as hell didn’t do it for me. I never asked you to die for me! I never asked you to take on the Leviathan. I never asked you to fall from heaven for me.” His voice breaks. “I never asked you to give yourself up.”

“You did!” Cas is angry, and Dean is taken aback. Thunder rumbles in the distance, and he wonders what this celestial presence has done with his little nerdy dude. “Time and time again, Dean, you prayed to me. You asked for my help, and I _always_ gave it. Every time! I abandoned my brothers and killed my people and subjected myself to torture and bled for you so many times, because you asked. So don’t say you didn’t because you don’t like what that sacrifice has made me. I am fallen. I am far from a true angel.” He softens, guilt creasing his features. “I was often blinded by my own pride and ambition. But Dean, I have given so much to you. Although this rarely happens with angels and humans, I am bonded to your soul.”

Dean has never thought about how much his angel has gone through because of him. He simply assumed his angel would be there, because he always was. Now he is the one taken aback.

“I have gone through every possible torment, Dean. I have been to Heaven, Hell, Purgatory. All so that someday, I could have this. You.  And now, you deny me this one small request?”

“Cas. I… you don’t want me.” He feels small, oh so small, standing in the parking lot of a seedy motel, arguing with the one thing on this messed up Earth that he has no right to argue with. “I’m not what you need. I’m not what you want. Go find another angel.” _Go find someone worthy_ , he wants to say. _Find someone clean, someone who deserves you._

“Haven’t you been listening, Dean?” Castiel is still angry, and Dean is so raw that every word feels like a blow. “I just want you, clean or bloodied, strong or weak. I want you for what you are.”

And, whether Dean Winchester knew it or not (he didn’t, of course), that’s what he’s been waiting to hear. So when Cas kisses him hard and fast, he sure as hell kisses the angel back. They break apart, laughing softly. Cas smiles at him. “See, Dean?”

“Shut up,” Dean whispers. And then they’re kissing again, lost to time and space

And so, for the first time in a long time, Dean Winchester is truly happy.

 

 

**Author's Note:**

> the title is a Walt Whitman quotation, which comes from his poem "To A Stranger."


End file.
